Chapter 1: The Early Struggles

If you're new here, it might be helpful to start with part 1, which details my childhood experiences. This section focuses on my transition into adulthood and the healing methods I discovered along the way.

10. A Descent into Darkness on London Bridge

My mother was filled with pride. Her aspirations were materializing. After returning from my travels, I secured my first job in publishing. She dressed me in a beige trench coat and handed me a briefcase she'd gifted me years prior. Living in North East London meant I had to commute to South East London, which involved a walk across London Bridge.

One fateful morning, as I trudged across the bridge in the trench coat I loathed, the weight of my briefcase felt unbearable. I noticed everyone else moving in the opposite direction. An overwhelming sense of isolation washed over me. Suddenly, I was plagued by existential questions: Is this my life now? What purpose does it serve? I began contemplating the unthinkable.

Although these thoughts didn’t manifest into actions, they marked a significant low point in my life. After feeling liberated and happy during my university years and travels, returning to live with my parents and working a job that felt misaligned was crushing. Moreover, my stutter, which had vanished during my studies and travels, resurfaced, complicating my work life.

Commentary: Despite my hazy memories of this period, I somehow found the courage to seek help. I began hypnotherapy sessions with a local therapist, receiving tapes to reinforce positive affirmations at home. It was exactly the support I needed.

11. The Breaking Point

At 25, I was working as a Deputy Editor for a tech magazine in London. I delved deeply into Buddhism following a transformative meditation experience years earlier and was involved in an intense romantic relationship. Yet, during a performance review at work, I received a disappointing evaluation that struck me hard.

Conflicting influences from Buddhism, my relationship, and work led to an emotional crisis. I resigned from my job without a backup plan, right in the middle of an economic downturn. As I began job hunting, my confidence dwindled, prompting me to abandon the Buddhist community. I felt a desperate urge to escape London, which ironically led to marriage and a move to Scotland.

Commentary: I view this breakdown as the catalyst for my healing. I realized I lacked the resources to cope with my reality, and the consequences caught up with me. My false self, shaped by childhood beliefs of mistrust and negativity, had to disintegrate for my authentic self to emerge. Starting anew in Scotland, I even revisited many cherished children's books from my past.

12. Ongoing Struggles with Depression and Relationships

Throughout my 20s and 30s, my relationship with my mother and other family members remained tumultuous, even as I established an independent life in Sweden. I often experienced what I termed 'depression,' characterized by a disconnection from my emotions. When anger arose, I directed it inward, leading to feelings of stagnation and despair.

The pressure would eventually build to a breaking point, resulting in emotional releases that felt liberating but temporary. This cycle kept repeating itself.

Commentary: My struggles stemmed from a lack of self-awareness and the persistent belief that I was flawed. Although I began to reveal my authentic self post-breakdown, I still lagged behind in emotional growth.

13. Understanding My Sexuality

Accepting my sexuality was a long journey. While I identify as male and am attracted to women, I also embrace my feminine side. In a traditional marriage, I felt stifled, suppressing my true self and grappling with guilt and shame.

Commentary: Today, I identify as gender fluid. After leaving my marriage and meeting my beloved, who also identifies as gender fluid, I finally feel liberated to express my full sexuality. This journey has been lengthy, but I’m now almost free from the shame I once felt.

14. Navigating Divorce

Having witnessed the pain of divorce and my father's absence, I vowed never to repeat that cycle. Yet, I found myself in an unhappy marriage, feeling increasingly isolated and uncertain about my future. I struggled with the decision to visit a sex worker but ultimately chose not to.

Commentary: A pivotal moment came when I accepted that ending the marriage was necessary, though heartbreaking. I realized I could remain committed to being a present father to my son.

15. Legal Struggles

In my current role running a small natural health business with my beloved, I faced legal challenges when the Swedish tax authorities took me to court for using a calculator-based program for bookkeeping. Unbeknownst to me, this was illegal in Sweden, and my ignorance did not absolve me.

The accusation triggered feelings of guilt and paranoia, leading me to perceive myself as a criminal. I had to rely on everything I'd learned over the years to remain grounded during this tumultuous period.

Commentary: I navigated this experience without succumbing to an adversarial mindset. I practiced Ho'oponopono, a Hawaiian reconciliation technique, as a daily mantra to maintain my composure and compassion throughout the legal proceedings.

These are the traumas that have shaped my life thus far—15 significant moments. As I reflect on them, I recognize that, despite my healing journey, remnants of these experiences remain within me, and that’s perfectly acceptable. I also understand that more challenges lie ahead, as life, in its essence, is fraught with suffering.

Chapter 2: Healing Techniques and Insights

Healing: Your Gift From God explores the spiritual dimensions of healing, offering insights into how our struggles can lead to profound personal gifts.

25 How Healing Happens discusses various methods of healing, illustrating how our personal journeys can transform trauma into strength.

Here are 10 strategies that have aided me in overcoming trauma and fostering healing:

• Byron Katie's "The Work" to challenge harmful thoughts and achieve mental peace.
• Conscious lovemaking to experience love and tranquility.
• Forgiveness practices like Ho'oponopono to harmonize relationships.
• Holotropic breathwork for addressing pre-birth and birth trauma.
• Meditation to cultivate internal awareness and space.
• Meeting my beloved nurtured my ability to trust.
• Physical activities like running, yoga, and Tai Chi to release bodily trauma.
• Professional success bolstered my self-esteem.
• Various forms of talk therapy and psychological study helped me navigate issues stemming from my father's absence.
• The Wim Hof Method for managing stress and enhancing resilience.

Gifts from My Journey

To conclude on a positive note, here are 10 gifts my mental health journey has bestowed upon me, enhancing my ability to contribute positively to the world:

• Heightened awareness of my inner experiences.
• A genuine self that emerged from my breakdown.
• Compassion for others' suffering rooted in my own.
• Confidence in my ability to overcome challenges.
• Depth gained from confronting and transcending various traumas.
• Commitment to health and fitness, emphasizing well-being.
• Authentic expression of my sexuality, liberated from past struggles.
• Peace of mind achieved through personal work.
• A strong voice cultivated through years of focus on speech.
• A resilient spirit developed from choices made after my father's departure.

This is my intricate mental health journey, marked by healing and the gifts it has brought. I hope sharing my experiences encourages you on your path and perhaps inspires you to document your own journey.