In the realm of dating and relationships, one significant challenge can be the lack of self-awareness among many straight men. Self-awareness not only enhances accountability for one’s actions in a relationship but also nurtures individual personality and needs. Women often perceive relationship dynamics more clearly, but if their male partners lack self-awareness, they may feel perplexed, hurt, and caught off guard when issues arise. Interestingly, many men may not fully grasp their feelings towards a woman until a breakup occurs. They might claim to be "not seeking a relationship" only to start looking for engagement rings months later. This lack of clarity can complicate the interpretation of a man's words and intentions. It's challenging to gauge how a man will react to fulfilling a partner's needs or preferences since he may be uncertain himself. If he starts to waver on commitments he made, he typically lacks insight into his changing feelings.

This situation often leads to an impasse; partners may feel they must either relinquish their expectations, plead for understanding, or end the relationship altogether. Consider a boyfriend who, after some initial hesitation, agrees to cohabitate. In a few months, he could either harbor resentment or express gratitude for the push towards a decision he subconsciously desired. Unlike women, who often have clearer emotional foresight, men may struggle to anticipate their feelings. Thus, partners may find it necessary to rely heavily on a man's actions, as his responses to crucial relationship inquiries can often be vague or non-committal. This reality can be exhausting for women, especially as they typically shoulder the emotional labor of relationships.

As women approach their mid-30s, they may become less inclined to invest time in helping men navigate their emotions, often due to increased responsibilities like parenting or demanding careers. Consequently, it can be unappealing for women to assume the role of a life coach for their partners. If you're resonating with this challenge and wish to understand how embodiment—an alternative somatic therapy—can help address these issues, continue reading.

Understanding the mechanics of a stuck car is essential for effectively getting it moving again; the same applies to relationship dynamics. Coaching a woman to explore new relational strategies is generally less complex than guiding a man, who may forget specific details of a disagreement. Men often dissociate during conflicts, leading to an overwhelmed nervous system. Through embodiment and somatic therapies, men can learn to reconnect with their feelings. They frequently don’t recognize how their actions impact their partners until they witness a significant reaction, which leaves them feeling ashamed, defensive, and bewildered. This often results in them omitting critical details in therapy sessions, making it challenging to address underlying issues. Mature women must closely observe a man's behavior over time to gauge whether he can meet their needs.

Embodiment coaching for men is focused on fostering awareness of their roles and responsibilities while also addressing their nervous system's responses. When both partners engage with equal levels of awareness and responsibility, relationships can operate smoothly, like a well-maintained machine requiring occasional adjustments but not facing persistent breakdowns.

This article is part two of a series aimed at helping men frustrated in their relationships with women. In the first part, I introduced body-oriented feeling work (embodiment) that targets immediate issues. Now, I want to delve deeper into roles and responsibilities. A core challenge many men face in therapy is their subconscious belief that they are not responsible for changing their personality traits or their roles in relationships, even when those very traits jeopardize the connection. If a man fails to recognize his contribution to a problem, aiding him in changing becomes exceedingly difficult. Conversations become stagnant when a man responds defensively or offers excuses instead of taking meaningful action. Apologies can be frustrating when they do not indicate any real change. Simply feeling bad about causing someone frustration without taking action reflects a lack of awareness.

In my experience, many men would prefer to shift their approach and gain predictive insight into their partner's emotions. This stems from my embodiment work and a commitment to self-responsibility. While I may not always accurately predict outcomes, I ensure that my initial responses are genuine. My encounters with men trapped in an endless cycle of apologies reveal that their lack of awareness often hinders their ability to act effectively. They may follow instructions meticulously but fail to grasp the broader implications of their roles. Have you ever worked with someone who can only execute tasks if they are explicitly detailed for them? They often do not take ownership of their roles and consequently struggle to resolve their issues.

What responsibilities do you hold? Your consistent behaviors, relationships, and time management define your identity. Merely stating that family is your priority does not make it true if you spend more time on your phone than with them. In a relationship, you are accountable for how your habits and communication affect your partner's life. Your moods, words, and reliability are all part of being in a partnership. A woman should expect that her life improves with you in it; she deserves emotional, energetic, and physical support. This is no longer a time when women were seen as possessions.

I understand you might be reading this and thinking it aligns with your beliefs, but does your life and behavior validate that? Many women share experiences of feeling that their former partners were merely pretending to desire the shared life, lacking direction or commitment. These men often appeared resentful, forgetful, and disengaged, relying on their partners to monitor even the most basic commitments. This dynamic often leads to frustration and disappointment. When men feel secure in a relationship, they sometimes regress in their behavior, subconsciously viewing their partners as maternal figures who will love them unconditionally. Recognizing and accepting this behavior is the first step towards improvement.

Neglecting responsibility can manifest as engaging in an intense emotional relationship while overlooking fundamental differences in needs and values. Deep down, you might know that long-term, this will lead to conflict because you don’t share the same aspirations or lifestyle choices. You might convince yourself that you can change or that your partner will overlook these differences as emotional attachment grows. This approach signifies a childlike disregard for adult responsibilities and honesty. Hiding your true lifestyle or mental health issues from a partner to maintain the relationship is inherently unfair. You may enjoy the fun and connection, but your partner deserves to know the truth for her long-term well-being. Ultimately, this leads to confusion and disappointment, creating a cycle of frustration.

Dear men, the individuals I describe are making conscious choices regarding their roles. A woman cannot impose a childish role on a man; he is the one guiding the relationship in that direction.

Through my work with men, I have observed that they genuinely care for their families and do not wish to adopt these irresponsible roles. Often, when a man exhibits selfish or immature behavior, he is unaware of it. This mindset issue requires men to acknowledge that they bear responsibility for how their communication and traits impact their partners. To foster long-term trust in romantic relationships, self-responsibility is paramount. Your lifestyle and habits reflect your values. Values are not merely aspirations but are embodied in your daily life, and this transparency is crucial. Choosing a partner should hinge on your ability to meet her fundamental needs for safety, lifestyle, and happiness. If you cannot fulfill these, the relationship will inevitably drain both parties.

The same woman can present as anxious and irritable with one partner while thriving in a different dynamic where trust is established. Many men mistakenly expect their ex-wives to remain the same as they were at the end of their marriages, only to find that in a new context, she can be much more relaxed. Men wield significant influence over their experiences with the same woman, but often fail to realize this or explore their roles and responsibilities.

Before engaging in embodiment work, men must genuinely believe that the issues their partners face are problems they should address. Some relationship dynamics might simply be unworkable. Nevertheless, men frequently lack the tools needed to navigate their roles effectively. A key benefit of creatively exploring one's role is minimizing regrets; you gain clarity on the problems that exist and can identify what to seek in the future. A major red flag for a man is when he cannot articulate why a relationship ended or why it has become problematic. Statements like “she just wasn’t happy with me” or “I tried, but it wasn’t enough” often indicate a lack of accountability for the relationship's dynamics. Toxic patterns persist because he fails to recognize them as his responsibility.

My most frequently encountered story from clients revolves around a woman who, after years of dealing with the same issues in therapy with little engagement from her partner, reached a breaking point. Feeling like her only options were to yell, belittle him, withdraw, or threaten separation, she ultimately either left or he had an affair.

Embracing greater self-responsibility equates to freedom. In my experience, once a man acknowledges ownership over a problem, resolving it becomes much easier. This is one of the most rewarding aspects of coaching men; they often adapt quickly and begin to see results. Conversely, female clients tend to struggle with the opposite issue. Young girls often internalize the notion that they are responsible for their emotions, reactions, and even their appearances. As my children transition into their teenage years, I observe my daughters exhibit this heightened self-awareness, which can lead to neurosis and unhappiness in their relationships.

On the other hand, it has required extensive personal growth for me to effectively coach men in this area. One man confessed to me that he wouldn’t consider addressing a problem raised by a woman unless at least five women mentioned it first. This is quite humorous, as it clearly illustrates why he remains single. He needed multiple relationships to acknowledge a communication issue that was alienating the women in his life. Conversely, I have female clients who will schedule emergency sessions and read multiple books to improve their relationships. Both extremes are misguided; the solution lies somewhere in the middle.

Why do men struggle to perceive relationship dynamics and roles as their responsibility? Part of this stems from societal norms that confer power and respect to men, often at the expense of their emotional connections. It’s common for men, especially in their 30s and 40s, to prioritize their careers over relationships, as society encourages this behavior. A man’s worth is typically gauged by his earning potential rather than his emotional ties to family or his personal well-being. Consequently, he may unconsciously believe that his sole responsibility lies in being a provider, neglecting the importance of emotional and mental health. He may attempt to fulfill societal expectations of being a good husband and father, yet there remains a significant disconnect regarding his role in these areas. You cannot fulfill your responsibilities to a woman or your children if you neglect your emotional health and overall lifestyle.

The rules have changed. After closely examining the male experience, I understand why career-driven men who can assume the provider role often pair with women who find fulfillment in nurturing and motherhood during their 30s. This dynamic has the potential to be mutually beneficial (though it often isn’t). Ideally, both partners support each other's aspirations and strengths. However, creating a symbiotic relationship in today’s world can be challenging. Everyone is grappling with the demands of modern life. Stay-at-home moms manage tight budgets and busy schedules, while CEOs may be up all night with toddlers before crucial meetings. The necessity of dual incomes compounds the stress.

Complementary Roles Despite the challenges of modern life, a healthy relationship still requires each partner to assume complementary roles without mirroring each other’s skills. Men must seek partners who will allow them to lead in certain areas, while women should look for men willing to take on some leadership responsibilities. Understanding your strengths and the dynamics within your relationship is crucial for its longevity.

Embodiment heavily relies on the ability to recognize and navigate relationship dynamics. Successful interactions with women require a solid understanding of your own strengths and contributions to make informed decisions. While embodiment coaching can facilitate rapid shifts, it is ineffective if men refuse to acknowledge the existence of problems, especially if they believe those issues are not theirs to address.

Consider the mental shift from: * “I am busy at work, so everything else must wait for me to focus.” to * “I am busy at work, so it’s even more vital that I monitor my mood and engage in actions that resonate with my partner’s love language to maintain our connection.”

This change in perspective is remarkably simple. It’s unacceptable to inadvertently make someone else's life harder. If your partner leaves and finds that life is more manageable alone, it indicates that unresolved issues were present that you could have addressed. Thankfully, women are no longer willing to tolerate this dynamic. When you invite a woman into your life, you agree to prioritize, nurture, and safeguard that relationship. If you find that you consistently disappoint and frustrate women, it may be a sign that you are assuming roles that are unsatisfactory for both parties. It becomes your responsibility, if you choose to engage in dating or partnership, to address these issues through effective coaching or therapy. It is not the responsibility of a woman to serve as your counselor or teacher. If she feels compelled to assume the role of your primary mentor, resentment will inevitably develop.

Ultimately, it’s about recognizing the roles we take on in relationships. If you suspect that placing your partner in a mentor role will jeopardize the relationship, you will likely adjust your behavior to prevent this from happening. You will be more discerning in your choice of partners, ensuring they respect your boundaries and values once you establish emotional safety and your life aligns with your principles.

Coaching Questions for Reflection: - Are you aware of the role you are playing in your current relationship? - What about in past relationships? - What roles could you assume moving forward? - Are there aspects of your relationship you are avoiding responsibility for? - Do your lifestyle and habits truly reflect your values? - What values are evident in your current life? - How do your mood, financial habits, health, and communication affect your partner? - Are there parts of your life you conceal from women to avoid their emotional responses or to evade confronting your own behavior?

Seeking Further Support? I offer a free pilot curriculum and meditations associated with these guides. Reach out via email for access: [email protected]

The series on embodiment for men dating women includes: - Guide 1: Embodiment is your way out of disappointing women. - Guide 2: What is your responsibility with a woman? What role are you taking? - Guide 3: Understanding safety will give you a different experience with women. - Guide 4: Do you feel like a lie? Are You Energetically Expensive?

— — — — — — — — — — About the Author: I coach both women and men in the principles of embodiment and provide smaller courses and workshops. In 2024, I will expand my curriculum specifically for men. I actively engage on Instagram and host unique content on YouTube, including interviews about unconventional relationships. While my online education business is separate from my writing, it informs my perspective. My articles reflect my experiences as a straight woman who dates and occasionally coaches men. The Dear Men series may provoke strong reactions from those who prefer neutral perspectives, but the insights I share resonate across various orientations. I genuinely appreciate men and believe that most desire to improve their relationships with women. I aim to present relatable insights while navigating the complexities of audience engagement. If you subscribe to my Medium profile, your support helps me create more content. I occasionally read and respond to comments, valuing respectful discussions that foster dialogue.