In this discussion, the term cheating is not simply a matter of right or wrong; it often involves deep emotional layers for women, with physical acts sometimes being secondary. Many men are unaware when their female partners stray. Women excel at masking details to facilitate an affair, while the men they engage with typically do not demand the same level of commitment that a man's side chick might require. This dynamic allows women to set the pace and establish the rules for these connections. Men seeking non-committed relationships often remain accessible for ongoing deep conversations, sometimes for years, without any real commitment. Additionally, women tend to confide in very few people about their infidelities, often only discussing it with a coach, therapist, or one trusted friend who is distanced from their daily life.

From my coaching experiences, it seems that both men and women cheat at similar rates but for different fundamental reasons. The perception that women cheat less often stems from the fact that they are less likely to be discovered unless they choose to confess or wish for their partner to find out. This article does not delve into the ethics of cheating or its painful consequences; instead, it aims to explore why women might seek emotional or sexual attention outside their primary relationship. My intent is to help men understand how to avoid scenarios that could lead to infidelity. Typically, my audience is more monogamous and not the ones who cheat. This discussion does not pertain to couples on the brink of divorce or those who are living apart, where one partner may begin dating before the other feels comfortable with it.

These narratives focus on women who are in the midst of their relationships but are significantly unfaithful.

The first situation involves a woman who chooses a partner based on his potential as a good father or his perceived reliability, despite lacking a deep emotional connection. Society encourages both men and women to create such relationships. An attractive woman with a history of unsatisfactory relationships may find a man who seems kind and unlikely to cheat or leave her. He represents safety and stability, with flexible boundaries and a lack of self-direction that allows her to fulfill her desires. While he is willing to marry and start a family, the emotional depth she seeks is absent, leading to a friendship devoid of tension or excitement. Some women, having experienced more fulfilling relationships, may understand that there’s more to a partnership than a mundane friendship. This reality may explain why some traditional men prefer women with limited past experiences, as these women may feel trapped in their roles as mothers and partners and have fewer means to leave. However, through my coaching, I've observed that women who have a strong sense of self and understanding of their own bodies are less likely to cheat than younger women with little experience. But feel free to discover this for yourself.

Regardless of their past experiences, women in this first scenario often feel confined by the lives they’ve built. Eventually, they may seek more fulfillment by engaging in conversations with a coworker or connecting with someone online who helps them rediscover parts of themselves. This can lead to a rekindling of long-lost connections. Should these women instead focus on personal growth and explore their sexuality with a coach to either strengthen or redefine their current relationship? Absolutely. However, most do not take that path. Many women find it easier to blame their partners due to widespread narratives online that support that view, and because some men genuinely fall short.

What about the men in these situations? I hear this story frequently. Men who seek out a nervous system coach and read my work may be more susceptible to this dynamic. They often desire to do the right thing in their lives, whether in their careers or as fathers. However, whether they actually create connections and a fulfilling life is a different matter. These men are eager to fix problems when they arise, and hiring a dating or relationship coach seems logical to them.

Yet, a darker aspect of this desire to "do the right thing" often emerges. These men frequently enter relationships that appear to be a good fit logically or culturally, even if they never felt right at a deeper level. They may prioritize societal approval over emotional stability, selecting partners that align with their expectations. While they may recognize a partner’s negative behavior towards them, this realization rarely leads to a breakup. Often, they view their partner as the best they can achieve, leading to an imbalance in the relationship.

Men in this scenario often wish to exit the dating scene. Marriage feels like a relief, but they do not enter into a deep connection based on trust. Instead, they marry someone with whom they get along sufficiently, often adapting to their partner’s personality. While they may feel used, a closer look reveals a mutual transaction. When two people commit to a relationship that lacks emotional fulfillment, one partner may eventually seek out that missing experience. If a man perceives life as a series of duties, he may struggle to understand the fleeting nature of life and the unwillingness of others to commit to a hollow relationship. It’s crucial to approach dating thoughtfully, recognizing personal biases that lead to repeated patterns. There’s no need to rush; being single and navigating the complexities of dating is perfectly acceptable while you work on self-discovery.

What brings me joy, however, is that many men find healing later on. They return to dating with ample support and no expectations for social validation or advancement. They allow life to dismantle their preconceived notions of what they should do and instead seek something more authentic and courageous. They get their first opportunity to date someone they genuinely like and form a meaningful connection. This newfound perspective can reshape their view of their previous marriage, often thanks to the humility gained from an unexpected affair. Many men express gratitude for their ex-partner's infidelity, as it led them to a conclusion they did not know they needed. The lessons learned in recovery and the skills developed during their marriage often translate well into future relationships.

The second scenario involves a woman who feels trapped and isolated with a partner who offers little and complicates her life significantly. My work on conscious dating aims to shed light on what can be achieved in rare, fulfilling relationships because many individuals may lack this understanding. I once did. I had not yet experienced the hundreds of insights I have gained through coaching, which reveal the potential for relationships to thrive without the burden of constant therapeutic discussions or deep trauma bonds. Unfortunately, many people lack access to such insights, leading them to marry without truly understanding their compatibility, only to realize the extent of their differences when faced with life’s challenges.

However, in this scenario, women often seek valuable assistance. They pursue therapy, study relationships, and engage in trauma work to make the best of their situation. Unfortunately, their male partners often do not engage in similar growth. In fact, the growth of the female partner can alienate the male, causing feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. As she matures, he may regress.

I frequently discuss this type of man because he is someone I can assist. While he may appear successful in public, at home he often falls short. He may handle casual dating reasonably well, but any challenging conversation tends to complicate matters unnecessarily. His presence can make life feel burdensome, leading to frustration for his long-term partner. He struggles to navigate normal emotional and relational stresses, muddling through while labeling his challenges as a "season of life." He often feels resentful when asked to engage with his family, viewing them as obligations rather than blessings. He needs help but rarely experiments with different forms of support to find what works for him.

This type of man may voice grievances about his ex-wife being unhappy with "real life" or having a mid-life crisis due to boredom, which is a mischaracterization. In reality, he is often the one who brings down his partner, but he remains oblivious to this fact. He may desire more intimacy, but even when it happens, it feels lackluster. His partner may struggle to comprehend the need for brief encounters that leave her unsatisfied; she might not even achieve an orgasm in such situations. It can take a woman around 15 minutes of stimulation to experience her first orgasm, with subsequent orgasms feeling much more fulfilling than a man's climax. Unfortunately, for many women, satisfying sexual experiences are often absent in marriage. This man, in addition to being difficult, tends to prioritize his own desires, often at the expense of his partner’s needs.

He may think, "I knew my behavior wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t that bad." Engaging him in any productive conversation can be a challenging and confusing endeavor, leading his partner to eventually disengage. She redirects her focus towards the children and her own life. Couples therapy may not yield results, and her attempts to communicate her feelings through discussions or emotional outbursts often lead to frustration. Ultimately, she may declare her disinterest in intimacy, which leaves him feeling abandoned. After exhausting various therapeutic approaches, she may tire of the situation altogether and start exploring online articles, pondering whether men are simply not worth the effort. But then, she meets someone who reignites her emotional desires.

How long can a woman who craves emotional connection and genuine attention from a male partner continue to "focus on herself" while receiving only minimal affection? Not long at all. If she chooses not to leave or feels unable to, she may find herself in an emotional affair that could eventually escalate to a physical one. Often, it is through this affair that she decides to end her marriage. Could her partner have salvaged the relationship? Absolutely. She was fully committed and tried for an extended period before reaching this point. Does that absolve her of the resulting pain and broken trust? No, but there are layers and histories to consider in this familiar narrative. Before you cast judgment, take the time to understand the preceding chapters that led to her choices. The silver lining? Usually, these women find a way to move forward. They make amends, often distancing themselves from the problematic partner who sparked their awakening. They realize that the relationship work they invested in over the years pays off in future connections with partners who are genuinely committed and eager to be present. They also establish healthier boundaries regarding extramarital interactions, discovering that the desire to seek out other men diminishes.

The final scenario is one where infidelity is glaringly apparent; everyone around you noticed it coming. Upon divorce, friends and family might say, "Yeah, we saw that coming." This woman often craves dramatic attention from the beginning of the relationship. She seeks validation and care, often manipulating situations through her emotional upheavals or threats of leaving. This pattern was evident even during the courtship. Her need for constant attention ensures that no partner can ever provide enough to satisfy her demands, making this relationship the least complex to terminate—if only it should be.

When she was openly flirtatious with others during your relationship, or when she displayed erratic behavior in response to normal disagreements, the warning signs were there. It’s essential to reflect on why you believed she would remain faithful.

But are you still inviting her back into your life? Are you drawn to women who offer endless attention without the expectation of commitment or challenging discussions while you "heal"? What else might be happening in their lives that makes being your low-commitment partner during your divorce acceptable for them? Do you shy away from women who don't seem like an immediate fit? If a potential partner feels like a perfect match right away, they might be reflecting childhood patterns rather than genuine compatibility—an approach that rarely leads to healthy relationships. I often observe men repeating this cycle, oblivious to the absence of moral obligation present in these situations—something everyone else seems to notice. If you find yourself in this pattern, we need to explore what part of your mindset leads you to believe these women are your ideal match. There may be disconnection and fantasy influencing your choices as you process your breakup, while those close to you are quietly thinking, "Yeah, we saw that coming."

I hope this sheds light on potential dynamics at play if you find yourself with an unfaithful partner. None of this justifies the behavior, but understanding the underlying reasons can help you seek the right support to avoid repeating this painful experience in the future. Each scenario often carries its share of blame—some are roughly equal, while others lean more towards one partner. This mix generally holds true for most breakups.

Pro Tip? Seek women who engage in personal development, particularly in areas like embodiment. Those who focus on feeling secure in their bodies and maturing emotionally are unlikely to pursue external validation from strangers or acquaintances. Look for women who view men neither as villains nor savior soulmates. Seek partners with genuine life experiences who are prepared to cultivate a meaningful relationship and enjoy fulfilling intimacy. Women who can ask insightful questions and gauge your true feelings might initially seem intimidating, but they are unlikely to seek solace in another man during tough times or pretend to be interested for the sake of a ring. They desire authenticity. Do you?

This piece serves to promote my one-on-one coaching and my somatic curriculum for individuals looking to cultivate unique and meaningful relationships at www.christinalanecoaching.com. I create content focused on embodiment and nervous system health for women seeking to improve their relationships with men, and I offer free mini coaching sessions on my website. My 21 Days of Embodiment Course is an excellent way to delve deeper into my work and experience immediate relief.

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