Understanding Emotions: A Guide to Emotional Literacy and Awareness
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Emotional awareness begins with our interactions with caregivers. Often, their emotional intelligence may not have been optimal. They might have been caring but struggled with communication, or perhaps they were neither great parents nor communicators, leaving us to learn about emotions through less effective sources like Disney—though the portrayal of relationships in those stories has improved over time.
So, what can we do about it?
One option is to seek counseling, as developing emotional intelligence is a significant part of that process. Even public figures like the Obamas have sought counseling, which serves as an inspiring example.
However, even if you are single or not in a romantic relationship, there’s always room for personal growth. We all have challenges to face, regardless of our age, status, or achievements.
One crucial area to focus on is attachment trauma, although this article will concentrate on emotional literacy. I will provide you with a practical tool to help you engage with your emotions more effectively.
Let’s delve into the fundamentals of emotional intelligence (often referred to as EQ by experts).
Emotional intelligence is defined as the capacity to comprehend and manage one’s own emotions, as well as those of others. It encompasses not only awareness but also actions—skills like empathy, self-awareness, self-regulation, and motivation are included.
Building emotional intelligence and literacy is essential to our humanity because emotions are a fundamental part of our existence. They shape our thoughts, behaviors, and decision-making processes and profoundly influence our relationships, both personal and professional.
Individuals with higher emotional intelligence often find it easier to handle stress, communicate clearly, and build healthy relationships. They adapt better to change and can navigate difficult situations with greater ease.
In professional settings, emotional intelligence is highly regarded for fostering teamwork, resolving conflicts, enhancing customer satisfaction, and improving leadership abilities.
Conversely, those with lower emotional intelligence may struggle to manage their feelings or may project their emotional difficulties onto others, leading to strained relationships.
Now, let’s consider the question: Which gender tends to be more emotional?
The answer is simple: If you’re human, you experience emotions. Gender does not determine emotionality, although certain cultures may encourage different expressions of emotions.
In fact, you are experiencing emotions right now, whether it’s boredom, curiosity, or something in between. Just because you choose to suppress or rationalize your feelings doesn’t mean they don’t exist. It may indicate that you have a complex relationship with your emotions, perhaps even being doubly emotional.
To define emotions, I would say they are the poetry of our experiences.
Why do I describe them as poetic?
Because emotions arise from a blend of various systems—physiological, perceptual, energetic, sensory, interpretive, linguistic, and hormonal. They communicate messages to our consciousness through these interconnected systems.
Emotions can be categorized into two main types: Comfortable and Uncomfortable.
Comfortable Emotions (or Positive Emotions) are felt when our needs are being fulfilled. For example, confidence—a sense of self-assurance and comfort in one’s own skin—represents a comfortable emotion.
Uncomfortable Emotions (or Negative Emotions) emerge when our needs are unmet. Our bodies strive for balance, which means emotions are continually shifting. Maintaining emotional stability can take practice.
For instance, anger is an uncomfortable emotion that drives us to protect ourselves and often surfaces in response to perceived injustices. It can also mask softer feelings like sadness.
You can explore a list of emotions in another article.
We often encounter more unpleasant emotions because happiness alone won’t shield us from life's challenges. Our brains are wired to seek out ways to meet our needs and ensure our safety. Once one need is satisfied, we quickly shift focus to the next, which is why joy isn’t a permanent state.
Protection often takes precedence over connection—though sometimes, connection itself is a form of protection, a topic for future discussion.
Emotions serve as the guards of our internal and external environments.
When we experience emotions, our autonomic nervous system becomes active, neurotransmitters are released, and various physiological changes—such as heart rate and muscle tension—occur.
This activation relates to arousal, which is tied to our senses. Our emotional experiences are intimately connected to our physical sensations.
In the context of the tool I’ll present, I link activation to feelings. If emotions are the narrative, then feelings are the performers.
A Practical Tool for Engaging with Emotions
In 2014, while working at a men’s residential treatment center, I observed a recurring theme: many of the men struggled to access emotions beyond anger, frustration, and rage.
I noticed that they often got caught up in narratives associated with their physiological responses, intellectualizing their stories instead of feeling them.
I refer to the narrative as the story and the physiological response as the feeling. I encouraged participants to examine what their stories and bodies were communicating. This approach opened a gateway to emotional exploration, leading to the creation of the Feeling/Story/Emotion Cycle.
The arrows in the diagram illustrate how all components are interconnected. Each story is linked to an emotion and a feeling, and vice versa.
You can begin at any point in the cycle; there are no strict rules. Below, I provide examples of starting with each component.
Starting with Feeling:
You might notice a lightness and fluttering in your chest, perhaps accompanied by the tension of impending tears.
What story emerges from this? If you sit with it long enough, it will surface. A story can be seen as a truth we associate with an event. For example, you might recall a nostalgic experience of feeling cherished, like visits to an ice cream shop with your grandfather.
From this initial feeling, you can identify the associated emotions—grief, joy, sadness, or appreciation. Recognizing these emotions may lead to further feelings and stories, as emotions tend to attract additional companions.
Perhaps this is why many choose to suppress their emotions, fearing the flood of feelings and memories they may bring. Breaking down the experience into manageable parts, as this cycle does, can help create a stronger foundation for processing emotions.
As I have deepened my own awareness of bodily sensations, I find beginning with feelings to be the most accessible approach, although everyone’s experience may differ.
Starting with the Story:
You might receive a call from your hometown, instantly recalling a recent conversation with an old high school friend who needed a place to stay.
Reflecting on this story could evoke emotions such as resentment, embarrassment, or guilt.
As you explore this story, you may feel a heaviness or a racing urge to escape the situation, the emotions, and the friendship.
Starting with Emotion:
Beginning with emotion assumes you already recognize what you are feeling.
For example, if you are experiencing joy, you might also feel happiness and excitement—emotions often come together.
Exploring the physical sensations associated with joy, you may notice lightness in your chest and energy throughout your body.
What story accompanies this emotion? Perhaps you just received an email confirming your acceptance into a long-desired job position.
It’s not overly complex. However, if you feel stuck in any part of the cycle, consider writing it down.
The Feeling/Story/Emotion Cycle is often a homework assignment I give clients. The task involves documenting your awareness at each stage of the cycle. Deepening this awareness can enhance your ability to influence your emotional experiences.
When I can shift the feeling (how I physically experience it), I can also alter the story and transform the emotion.
For instance, if I’m feeling overwhelmed and tense, practicing relaxation techniques can help lower my heart rate and alleviate muscle tension. As I relax, I can view my situation from a fresh perspective, potentially shifting the narrative.
The more we engage with this cycle, the less daunting our emotions become, and we learn that emotions are simply messages conveying information that we can choose how to respond to—beyond suppressing or reacting impulsively.
Many clients are surprised by the stories that arise or how this exercise enhances their body awareness and emotional sensitivity.
There’s always something proactive to do regarding emotions, rather than merely suppressing or reacting to them. For further exploration, consider reading my article on the 6 As of Emotion, which discusses how to address emotions constructively.
With warmth, Lisa