The Shift in 2019

In 2019, life took a drastic turn. My father received a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar Disorder. The news that he could no longer work was a significant blow to our family. Up until that point, he was a robust figure in my life—cooking meals, driving us to school, working overtime, and being a social butterfly. He thrived in gatherings, attending events at least three times a week while balancing family responsibilities.

However, following his diagnosis, everything changed. The vibrant, active man I once knew began to retreat into himself. It felt like watching a once-bright light fade until it was nearly extinguished. He transformed into someone I hardly recognized.

The Ripple Effect

The deterioration of my father's mental health rippled through our entire family. Prior to 2019, he had already faced his demons. Growing up, he suffered severe abuse from his parents, particularly from a father who set impossibly high expectations. In rebellion, he dropped out of school and turned to substance use.

He worked tirelessly to ensure that his children would not endure the same pain he did, striving to provide us with a better life, and for many years, he succeeded. But everything shifted when my sister began her downward spiral. At just 11 years old, she ran away, got involved with substances, and became a teenage mother. For perspective, our household was nurturing and loving.

Witnessing her tread a path so similar to his past was heartbreaking for him. He felt inadequate and as though he had failed in his role as a protector. It was as if his deepest fears had manifested, severely impacting his mental well-being.

The New Reality

I've seen my father, who once cherished fishing, hiking, and karaoke with friends, become a mere shadow of his former self. He grew quiet, withdrawn, and anti-social. It feels as though he is a hollow shell devoid of spirit. This strange kind of loss—seeing someone alive yet so transformed that they are unrecognizable—is haunting. I long for the dad who brimmed with life, whose laughter and energy filled our home. I miss his whimsical creativity, turning leftovers into makeshift archery sets or engaging in playful pranks with me.

The father who used to prepare delicious meals, drive me to school, and work tirelessly for our well-being is still here physically, but he is no longer the person I once knew. Each trip to the grocery store brings back memories of party pies or DIY pizza kits, and I can't help but tear up thinking of our joyful times together. This pain of loss is inescapable.

Holding Onto Hope

Yet, amidst the struggle, my dad continues to fight. He attends therapy weekly and adheres to a medication regimen to manage his conditions. I often remind myself that he is putting forth his best effort to improve. I pray daily for his gradual recovery, holding onto the belief that deep down, he is still there, and with perseverance, therapy, and time, he may return to us.

Cherishing the Memories

Each day is a balance of hope and the grief of what once was. Though my father may not be the same, he will always be my dad, and I will tirelessly advocate for him. Through sharing this narrative, I hope to raise awareness about the profound effects of mental health issues. You never truly know what someone is enduring, so always strive to show kindness and offer support when you can.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story!

This first video discusses the complexities of grieving a loved one who is still alive but struggling with addiction.

The second video delves into the process of grieving relationships and the emotional challenges of letting go.

Rosie is a diverse Medium writer; you can subscribe to her page here. You can support her work by buying her a coffee. Did you enjoy the story? Join Sweet Publications, a community that shares a variety of heartfelt narratives.