My father’s early years were marked by financial hardship in Concord, North Carolina, where he lived with his mother, siblings, and grandmother. His father left when he was just a child, and my dad described him as an uneducated alcoholic. To support her family, his mother juggled two jobs, and my dad learned early on that if he wanted to participate in extracurricular activities, he had to earn his own money. During his high school summers, he took on various odd jobs, including working at a butter mill, creamery, and local pizza shop, saving up to fund his marching band events—something that today’s parents typically cover.

In contrast, my mother had a more stable upbringing, living in a four-bedroom house in Bethesda, Maryland, with both parents and two sisters. Her father served in the Navy during World War II, while her mother was a special education teacher who also taught sign language and piano lessons.

My dad was determined to go to college and saw the military as his only route. He joined ROTC in high school and later secured a scholarship to the Air Force, meticulously planning his college courses in computer science, driven by a desire to escape his circumstances. He often quoted, “Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.” — G. Michael Hopf.

Conversely, my mother faced uncertainty about her future. The unpredictability of life often affected women's plans, and one unexpected pregnancy could derail years of aspirations. I can relate, as I once vowed never to become a stay-at-home mom. Yet, here I find myself. My mother graduated with a degree in child psychology, likely expecting to pursue a master's degree later, but life took a different turn when she married a military man and became a mother.

After moving to Hawaii, she paused her educational pursuits, working night shifts as a waitress. With the arrival of my younger sibling, she took a break from her job until I entered Kindergarten. When she re-entered the workforce, it was challenging to find employment after such a long absence. My dad, who had never put his career on hold, often criticized her for not furthering her education to secure a better-paying job, failing to understand the unique struggles she faced as a mother.

My mother had her battles. Despite her background, she found it difficult to maintain steady employment in Hawaii. Juggling a part-time job while caring for us, she engaged in after-school programs and led my sister’s Girl Scout troop. Eventually, she found a position at the Girl Scout council, but after feeling targeted by management and dealing with personal grief, she left her job. This marked the beginning of her struggles with alcohol and opioid addiction, which compounded her difficulties in maintaining employment.

Their marriage ended, and my mother's addiction became too much for my father to bear, leading him to ask her to leave. She tried to live independently but ultimately returned to her mother's house in Bethesda.

Fast forward to today, moving back in with her mother was initially seen as a setback, but it turned out to be a blessing. My mother secured a part-time teaching job at her former school, but budget cuts led to her dismissal. She then worked at Toys’R’Us until its closure in 2017, and following her mother's stroke, she found flexible work at JC Penney to care for her.

When my grandmother passed in March 2019, my mother was grateful to have introduced her to my daughter just a week prior. I anticipated that my mother's loss would be devastating, yet she seemed to adapt. She expressed a desire to assist with my daughter, but upon discussing the high cost of living in Hawaii, she recognized the financial constraints.

With her inheritance, she purchased a condo in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina, and managed to find jobs that met her needs while allowing her to save.

The dynamics have shifted. Currently, my family rents an upstairs unit in my father's home, where he is unemployed after his company downsized in 2017. Despite his past success, he hasn't sought new employment in over two years. We pay rent and occasionally help with the mortgage, but I sense he relies on us more than we do on him.

I’ve communicated to him that there are many remote job opportunities available, yet he dismisses them, claiming they offer insufficient pay, even though they surpass his current earnings.

Living with my dad has prompted significant shifts in my perspective. I once viewed him as the diligent, rational parent while seeing my mother as a failure for working a part-time job despite her degree. Now, I find myself embracing my role as a stay-at-home mom, supporting my family and raising my daughter.

My mother is thriving, enjoying life on the beach and holding down two low-stress jobs. She devoted herself to us throughout her life, but now she has found her footing after years of struggle. While she wishes she could be closer, I feel her love from afar.

I worry for my dad; he seems to be floundering, unwilling to acknowledge his own challenges. He has welcomed us into his home, but it often feels like we are there to support him rather than the other way around. He has not taken steps to improve his situation, and I find it difficult to empathize with him.

Our discussions reveal a condescending side to him; he often dismisses my feelings and opinions, believing he knows best. During one conversation about childcare, he expressed skepticism about entrusting our daughter to my mother-in-law, despite her deep affection for my child.

For much of my life, I took my father's side, admiring his work ethic while viewing my mother with indifference. However, living with him has transformed my viewpoint entirely.

When I shared my writing aspirations with my parents, my dad brushed it off, claiming he could do the same without showing interest in my work. In stark contrast, my mother eagerly inquires about my projects and offers encouragement, expressing a desire to write herself.

I once feared becoming like my mother, but I now recognize her efforts and wish her nothing but happiness. As I navigate motherhood, I aspire to mirror the love and dedication she showed us, hoping to provide my children with the same nurturing environment.