Deciding with Confidence: Navigating Choices in Life
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Chapter 1: The Challenge of Decision-Making
Making choices can be daunting, but remember that a poor decision isn't the end of the world.
Photo by Rob Schreckhise on Unsplash
Choices abound! The potential for success or failure looms large. Just last night, I found myself dining next to a woman at a Korean restaurant who scrutinized the menu as if preparing for a major exam. She fired questions at the table and interrogated the waiter with the intensity of a courtroom cross-examination.
I was tempted to whack her with the menu. Predictably, once the food arrived, she found it unsatisfactory.
Later, my sister arrived in a shiny new car, exclaiming, “Look what I just bought!” I couldn't help but ask, “Why?”—considering she already owned a perfectly functional vehicle. She replied, “I saw it in a parking lot, chatted with the owner, researched online, called my bank, and had it delivered. It was a breeze!” (I would have been overwhelmed!)
These two scenarios illustrate distinct decision-making styles: one analytical, the other instinctual.
Some choices stem from logical reasoning. For instance, “I’m voting for Ms. X because I support her views on women’s health and transportation safety.” In contrast, emotional choices surface as well. “I align with Mr. X’s issues, but I just don’t like him.” We often rely on facts, but our gut feelings, past experiences, and preferences can heavily influence our decisions.
Occasionally, reaching a decision brings relief, while at other times, it spirals into obsessive thinking.
There are significant life choices, like “I will marry him” or “I will purchase this house,” and then there are trivial ones, such as “Yes, I’ll have fries with that” or “What should I watch on TV?”
Would You Rather?
A delightful children’s book, “Would You Rather?” by John Burningham, challenges kids to choose between grotesque and embarrassing scenarios: “Would you prefer to eat spider stew, slug dumplings, mashed worms, or drink snail squash?” or “Would it be worse if your dad danced at school or your mom embarrassed you in a café?”
I enjoyed reading this to my five-year-old, intrigued not just by her choices but by her decision-making process. Sometimes her selections varied based on her mood or memories. In my therapy practice, I observed children grappling with decision-making, whether by indecision or impulsive choices.
For example, Matthew eagerly elaborated on four options, vividly describing what slug stew would taste like, yet often settled on indecision. Providing only two choices simplified things for him, contrasting the overwhelming question of “What should I wear today?” with “Should I choose the blue blouse or the red one?”
Annie appeared completely overwhelmed, seeking the “right” choice, paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake. This mindset was consistent with her hesitance that brought her to therapy.
Stephen would project potential outcomes far beyond the story, pondering “What would make me sick?” and could take a good half hour to navigate just a few pages.
Meanwhile, Zoe expressed frustration with the decision-making process, stating, “This is supposed to be fun, but it feels like work!” Her parents made most choices for her, from what to wear to what to do, and our work together focused on easing her anxiety about making her own decisions.
As adults, we often find ourselves in similar situations.
Every day presents us with countless choices, each impacting our goals and desires—those aspirations we strive to achieve.
Our goals can range from lofty dreams that seem out of reach to rigid task lists dictating our steps toward what we believe we want.
Sometimes, we are clear on our objectives and the means to achieve them, confident in a plan that promises success through discipline.
Yet, it rarely feels that simple. Our goals can become tyrannical, making us want to change, improve, or simply be different. The struggle lies in bridging the gap between dreams and reality, often leaving us feeling worse about ourselves and our futures than before.
Strategies to Simplify Decision-Making
High-stakes or low-stakes choices—differentiating them can significantly ease our decision-making process. By recognizing whether we're addressing critical life-altering information or just deciding on breakfast cereal, we conserve mental energy. This distinction can be challenging, especially for those prone to overthinking, believing that a wrong choice could lead to dire consequences.
Understanding whether choices are technical/administrative or social/emotional is crucial. Technical decisions require gathering facts and consulting experts, while social/emotional decisions hinge more on our feelings. While seeking advice from trusted friends can be helpful, some decisions come with complexities and long-term implications that we must ultimately face alone.
Pros and Cons — Instead of allowing numerous possibilities to swirl in your mind, write them down. I recommend using three index cards: one for pros, one for cons, and one for maybes. Jot down your thoughts freely, without the need for neatness. Narrowing your focus in this manner can provide a sense of control over the decision-making process, even if clarity is still elusive.
What’s the worst that could happen? Align your emotions, particularly anxiety, with realistic possibilities. We often amplify the potential fallout of a wrong decision. Address those fears by reminding yourself to calm down.
Time limits — We tend to believe that the quality of our decisions correlates with how long we deliberate. Set a reasonable timeframe for your decision-making and adhere to it. Those who are impulsive may need to extend their timeframe, while those who tend to obsess might benefit from a shorter deadline, declaring “enough” when the time is right.
Remember, there’s always a better choice out there, but perfection is an illusion. Most decisions can be revised or reversed. Relationships can mend, and cars can be exchanged. It’s rarely the end of the world.
Dare to make mistakes—you will learn from them!
Chapter 2: Embracing the Process
In “Make Up Your Damn Mind,” John Madsen explores the importance of decisive action and encourages viewers to confront their indecision head-on.
In the video “MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND WOMAN!!!!!,” the presenter humorously emphasizes the need to take charge of one’s decisions, showcasing the pitfalls of overthinking.