Breaking Free from the Cycle of Criticism

I recently encountered insightful wisdom from the late Buddhist teacher Penor Rinpoche (1932–2009), which I believe is relevant to everyone.

Essentially, Penor Rinpoche encourages us to turn our gaze inward and examine our own shortcomings rather than highlighting the flaws of others.

Initially, this may sound overly simplistic or naïve. However, when you understand that your mindset shapes your experiences of joy and suffering, it becomes clear that a critical outlook merely traps you in negativity, steering you away from genuine happiness.

Let’s delve into Penor Rinpoche’s guidance, first in its entirety and then piece by piece:

“It’s crucial to continually assess your mind and be mindful of its contents. We often excel at identifying the faults in others, yet struggle to recognize our own. Critiquing others offers no benefit and only amplifies negative emotions, hindering our journey toward liberation. Allow others to be as they are; it’s not your role to point out their flaws, and even if you do, correcting them is beyond your reach. Instead, focus on observing your own mind and work to diminish your own troubling emotions. By analyzing your thoughts and being aware of their nature—whether positive or negative—you can eventually learn to tame your mind. Given that we haven’t fully addressed our karmic and emotional burdens, disruptive emotions can surface at any time. When they do, seek to understand that all phenomena are impermanent. When you leave your mind in a relaxed state, without imposing anything upon it, those disturbing emotions will dissipate.” — from Ocean of Blessings, Heart Teachings of Drubwang Penor Rinpoche, p.49

Does this advice resonate with you?

What aspects resonate, and which feel challenging or untrue?

Criticism of Others Harms You Too

Now, let’s examine Penor Rinpoche’s insights more closely.

He emphasizes:

“It’s crucial to continually assess your mind and be mindful of its contents.”

Many individuals neglect to pay attention to their inner dialogue, allowing thoughts to flow unchecked. They may even feel as if they lack control over their emotions.

Then, they wonder why happiness eludes them.

Indulging in negative thought patterns or uncontrolled emotions can push genuine happiness further away. To achieve lasting peace, you must cultivate self-awareness and commit to managing your thoughts and feelings rather than letting them dominate you.

While it may be unrealistic to maintain constant awareness of your thoughts, striving for it is a worthy goal that requires practice.

Do your best and be gentle with yourself when you find your mind wandering; simply guide it back to the present moment.

“We often excel at identifying the faults in others, yet struggle to recognize our own.”

Focusing solely on others can serve as a defense mechanism, shielding you from confronting your own flaws and unhealthy emotional patterns.

Admittedly, self-examination can be intimidating. However, facing your smaller faults first can pave the way for addressing larger issues down the line.

Concentrate on your inner landscape rather than fixating on the shortcomings of others—it will facilitate your growth.

“Critiquing others offers no benefit and only amplifies negative emotions, hindering our journey toward liberation.”

What emotions arise when you focus on the faults of others? Do they uplift you? Reflect on personal experiences.

You might feel a fleeting sense of superiority or annoyance. Yet, such feelings rarely contribute to lasting happiness. Alternatively, frustration may arise when others fail to heed your advice.

As Penor Rinpoche notes, fixating on others’ shortcomings tends to intensify negative feelings, entrenching you in unfulfilling emotional cycles. This principle aligns with Buddhist teachings and is supported by neuroscience on the brain's neuroplasticity.

On a positive note, the concept of neuroplasticity suggests that we can break the habit of criticizing others, leading to increased personal happiness.

“Allow others to be as they are; it’s not your role to point out their flaws, and even if you do, correcting them is beyond your reach.”

This doesn’t imply that you should permit others to harm you or anyone else.

Buddhist teachings can sometimes seem absolute. Traditional perspectives may overlook how Western interpretations can lead to self-criticism.

The essence is to reclaim your attention and energy from fixating on others’ faults. This focus is essential for transforming your own emotional patterns. It’s impossible to fix or heal someone else.

Most people resist unsolicited advice. If they feel judged, they may withdraw rather than grow. Frequent criticism can alienate them permanently. Offer feedback only when asked.

Allow individuals to navigate their healing journeys in their own time and manner.

Your role is to provide support, listen, and express love. Refrain from passing judgment or articulating criticism.

“On the other hand, it is vital to monitor your own mind and work to subdue and lessen your disturbing emotions. Continually analyze your thoughts, discern their positivity or negativity, and recognize your own flaws. Through consistent self-observation and analysis, you can ultimately learn to tame your mind.”

Redirect your focus inward. True happiness emerges from learning to manage your own troubling emotions.

This doesn’t mean suppressing them. Instead, embrace your emotions with kindness and an expansive viewpoint, allowing them to dissolve naturally.

Remember, Penor Rinpoche doesn’t advocate for indulging your inner critic or obsessing over your flaws. Approach self-exploration with compassion, kindness, and acceptance to foster growth rather than regression.

By committing to the exploration of your mind—your thoughts and emotions—you’ll gradually gain control over your reactions, leading to fewer disruptive emotions and greater happiness.

As you cultivate emotional freedom, your light will shine brighter, positively influencing those around you simply through your presence.

“Since we haven’t been able to purify our karmic and emotional obscurations, our gross disturbing emotions can arise unexpectedly. When they do, we should apply the antidote by examining our minds and recognizing that all phenomena are empty.”

The patterns of suffering we’ve nurtured in the past can resurface when triggered by specific situations.

Practicing self-awareness for a week or a month isn’t sufficient. Even if you achieve temporary success, triggers may still arise.

A steadfast commitment to daily mindful self-awareness is essential.

While perfecting this practice may take a lifetime, do not let that discourage you.

As soon as you embrace self-awareness, you’ll notice positive changes. You’ll become quicker at recognizing your reactions, which is inherently rewarding. Over time, triggers will occur less frequently.

Applying the concept of emptiness in practice is advanced. I won’t delve deeply into it here, but remember it doesn’t signify “nothingness.” Here’s a Tibetan definition of emptiness that encapsulates its meaning:

“Free from permanence and non-existence.”

Your ability to alter your responses illustrates that they aren’t fixed. They are merely transient thoughts and emotions.

Whenever negative feelings arise, remind yourself that they do not define your true self.

“When you leave your mind in a relaxed state without contriving anything, disturbing emotions will cease.”

This is the essence of mindfulness. While mindfulness alone may not eliminate disturbing emotions in the long run, it will certainly contribute to greater inner peace.

Instead of generating a constant stream of thoughts, you can learn to relax your mind, allowing thoughts and feelings to pass like trains at a station. They may make brief stops but won’t linger. The key is to maintain both awareness and relaxation without adding to the clutter.

Decide to Stop Criticizing Others Now

The impact of this advice was so profound that I recorded it in my Commonplace book as my inaugural entry. A Commonplace book serves as a repository for knowledge, making it easier to recall.

I don’t want to forget this wisdom, and I intend to revisit it frequently. While it’s easy to feel inspired by such advice, true transformation requires remembering and applying it consistently.

How do you envision yourself in one year? Five years? Ten years?

If you allow your mind to perpetually engage in criticism, judgment, and opinions about others, you’re unlikely to evolve.

Take a moment now to resolve to cease your criticisms of others and instead focus on nurturing your own mind and heart.