Are You a Witch? The Quiz

Instructions: Score yourself with 1 point for each A answer, 2 points for each B answer, and 3 points for each C answer.

1. What is your gender?
   • 1. Male
   • 2. Transgender, Non-binary, Intersex, or prefer not to say
   • 3. Female
2. How old are you?
   • 1. Under 25
   • 2. 25–40
   • 3. Over 40
3. If you identify as female, are you single?
   • 1. I am happily married.
   • 2. Men are trouble. Who needs that?
   • 3. I am widowed. At least once.
4. Do you have any unusual marks on your body?
   • 1. My body is a sacred temple; no marks here!
   • 2. Yes, I have a birthmark and a couple of moles.
   • 3. Does a third nipple count as unusual?

(Add an extra point if the birthmark is in an unusual location.)

5. Have you ever consumed herbs?
   • 1. I would never use herbs; they aren’t FDA approved.
   • 2. I occasionally enjoy herbal teas.
   • 3. Only when drinking baby’s blood at the devil’s sacrament.
6. Have you ever flown?
   • 1. I never leave my house; my husband won’t allow it.
   • 2. Yes, I’ve traveled frequently.
   • 3. Only on my broomstick during the witching hour.
7. What pets do you have?
   • 1. I don’t own pets; they’re demon spawn.
   • 2. A dog, horse, or goat.
   • 3. A cat (bonus point if it's black and only shows up when something goes missing).
8. Have men ever experienced impotence around you?
   • 1. Absolutely not! My lovers are full of vigor.
   • 2. Occasionally, a suitor may falter.
   • 3. I’ve made their manhood shrivel, but saved it in a bird's nest.
9. How would you describe your financial situation?
   • 1. I write for Medium; money is plentiful.
   • 2. I sometimes struggle to cover expenses.
   • 3. I beg for scraps of food.
10. Do you have osteoporosis?
    • 1. My posture is perfect.
    • 2. I’ve got a slight hunch from desk work.
    • 3. That bump on my back isn't my hoodie.
11. Have you noticed any unusual weather in your village?
    • 1. Not really.
    • 2. There have been cold spells causing crop failures.
    • 3. I’ve summoned Satan to ruin the crops—calling it “The Little Ice Age.” (Cue cackling.)

Scoring:

• Less than 10 points: You are not a witch, but beware of accusations. You may find yourself subjected to the dunking stool test—if you sink, you’re deemed innocent but sadly, dead.

• 10–20 points: You likely fit the profile of a witch. Depending on your location, the consequences could be dire—torture and burning in Europe, hanging or starvation in Salem. Beware of the implications of your religious affiliation, as it could dictate your fate.

• 20+ points: Congratulations, you are undeniably a witch! But your age might raise eyebrows—living past forty during medieval times was rare. If you’re a midwife and some of your deliveries haven’t survived, that’s a cause for concern. The silver lining? If you’re in Spain, you’re safe from the witch craze.

Reflect on your results, and if you didn’t pass, it might be wise to steer clear of men, babies, pregnant women, small animals, crops, and of course...Satan.