When faced with difficulties, how do you manage?

Years ago, during my training as a metaphysical healer, I encountered a powerful story.

A mother and her three daughters lived together in a woodland home. One day, while searching for firewood, the mother accidentally fell into a hole. Though it wasn't particularly deep, fear kept her from attempting to escape, so she stayed in the hole, calling for help.

Eventually, the eldest daughter began to worry about her mother and set out to find her. Upon hearing her cries, she was relieved.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here! Come down and keep me company. We can cry for help together,” the mother pleaded.

The eldest daughter complied, and soon they were both shouting for assistance.

Meanwhile, the other daughters began to fret about their missing family members. The second sister ventured out and, upon discovering their predicament, was urged by them to join them in the hole.

“No, I think it’s safer up here. Take my hand and let’s climb out,” she suggested.

But the two in the hole insisted that they were better off where they were, fearing the sides might collapse.

The youngest sister, curious about the commotion, followed her instincts into the forest. Hearing the cries, she assessed the situation and listened carefully.

“I won’t join you in that hole, nor will I spend my time trying to convince you to climb out. I’ll be home when you sort this out,” she declared, returning to the comfort of her life.

This story serves as a metaphor for life's choices; the hole symbolizes any challenge or adversity we may face. I can identify individuals in each role, including myself, until I gained clarity.

My own challenges have included abusive relationships, workplace bullying, and trauma, alongside periods of loneliness and mental health struggles. I once sought sympathy from others, hoping it would resolve my issues, but this only drained their patience and cost me friendships.

I've attempted to find rescue in others, only to learn that I alone could lift myself from those depths. I fought against my circumstances, repeating negative patterns, until I realized that one cannot resolve issues with the same mindset that created them.

You cannot fix a problem using the same thinking that caused it.

Like many, I have experienced a life with its fair share of highs and lows. Throughout, I have been cultivating resilience, learning to survive against the odds without remaining a victim longer than necessary. While I may have had an innate resilience, much of my self-assertiveness was stripped away over time. I endured significant challenges, but I had to learn to transform that endurance into resilience. This process requires a shift in one’s belief systems about oneself and others. Importantly, enduring abuse is not resilience; it is self-harm, especially when one has no alternatives, as was the case in my childhood. We must allow for vulnerability without turning it into a weapon.

Let's delve into the concept of resilience.

Understanding Resilience

Resilience is a fundamental lesson in life, essential for survival, yet often underappreciated. It encompasses the qualities and insights that enable individuals to navigate periods of intense stress and hardship.

Resilience can be categorized into physical, mental, emotional, and social dimensions, influenced by genetics, physical health, mental well-being, and the environment in which one lives.

Having resilience does not mean life will be free of challenges; rather, it signifies an increased ability to cope with them and emerge largely intact. It also implies a willingness to confront challenges head-on rather than avoiding them.

Fostering Resilience

From my experience, resilience resembles a bank account; I have a limited capacity, and excessive strain can lead to a breakdown. When my reserves of resilience are depleted, I find myself vulnerable, sometimes reverting to a fractured version of myself.

My resilience has flourished alongside my mindfulness practices and understanding of emotional literacy. This growth has allowed me to discern the games played by others and to differentiate between their issues and my own.

For instance, nearing the end of an abusive relationship, my partner attempted to sabotage my work. Halfway to my job, I realized I needed to release that negativity or allow him to win. I spent the next twenty minutes focusing on the present and reminding myself of my capabilities as a teacher. The day unfolded positively.

The relationship took time to sever; my partner often claimed it was over while clinging to the belief I would beg him to stay. He tested my resilience multiple times until he finally moved out. Consulting an astrologer, I learned he would leave for good on a specific date—and he did, exactly as predicted. This knowledge empowered me to stand my ground, and I discovered that life often resolves favorably when one remains true to oneself.

I also learned that resisting gaslighting allowed me to trust my truth over the distortions I was being fed. This awareness has become a valuable tool in facing adversity, provided it is coupled with humility and a readiness to acknowledge one’s mistakes.

Resilience is vital when confronting change, loss, trauma, or life's general hardships. It significantly lowers the likelihood of developing depression.

Resilient individuals are often effective communicators who can share their stories and seek help when necessary. They maintain a sense of independence from others for their self-worth and are less susceptible to external pressures, grounded in their own values and internal wisdom. However, I sometimes struggle with emotional reactivity due to ADHD and PTSD, which can make me rigid. Acknowledging these challenges helps me mitigate their effects on others.

Self-acceptance and self-worth are crucial components of resilience. Without them, one may lack stability and be more vulnerable to external negativity. Mindfulness teaches that we are not fixed entities; we are fluid, shaped by our circumstances. Understanding what to expect from ourselves and recognizing our limitations can strengthen our resilience.

Pursuing personal goals and dreams while remaining indifferent to the outcome is a vital resilience skill. Embracing the journey means that setbacks do not define us. As Erich Fromm suggests, the focus should be on "To Have or to BE." This perspective has transformed my life.

I have adopted the attitude of viewing challenges as lessons rather than setbacks. For instance, during moments of loneliness, I learned to embrace solitude as an opportunity for growth rather than a source of despair. I now actively seek solitude, which has become a shared value with my husband.

Although a strong family background can bolster resilience, I faced the opposite reality. My family consistently undermined my worth. It took decades to release the negative beliefs instilled in me. In my late fifties, after rebuilding my life, one supportive uncle acknowledged my ability to rise from adversity and create a better life—a compliment that resonated deeply.

Resilience Against Addiction

Interestingly, I seem to lack the capacity for addiction. Had I been susceptible, I might have pursued unhealthy escapes from the internal turmoil of my earlier life. I tried smoking in my youth but gave it up, realizing it was not for me. The same applied to alcohol and drugs; I never found them appealing enough to continue despite early experimentation.

This lack of susceptibility may stem from genetics, contrasting with those who struggle with addiction through no fault of their own. I am profoundly grateful for this, as it has shielded me from many self-destructive paths stemming from trauma.

Building Resilience

People generally fall into three categories:

• Those who cannot change or develop resilience due to limitations.
• Those who wish to change but are uncertain or afraid to try.
• Those who are open to change and actively working on themselves.

To initiate change, first identify whether it’s a belief or a perception that needs adjustment.

Reframing Situations is a powerful strategy for transforming challenges into opportunities. The mindset of viewing every experience as a chance for growth has led to significant shifts in my life.

Consider your circumstances from the perspective of someone facing greater adversity, such as a refugee or a person with significant disabilities. This reframing can prevent self-sabotage, where one inadvertently undermines their own efforts due to a lingering desire for rescue. Adversity serves as a catalyst for recognizing essential life lessons, and the experience only intensifies if one fails to engage with these lessons.

Identifying Qualities and Skills is crucial. Utilize your strengths, whether it's writing, listening, or engaging in creative activities. If you find joy in helping others, as a friend does at a community café, that enriches both your life and theirs. Whatever brings you solace is a building block for resilience.

Incorporating Mantras or Gathas that resonate with your desired mindset can be transformative. For instance: - "I am not worthless; I am still uncovering my true path." - "Nothing is permanent," or "This too shall pass."

These affirmations can halt overwhelming feelings and prevent getting caught in negativity. Remember, while your current reality may feel overwhelming, it’s essential to recognize that it may be shaped by your perception. As Thich Nhat Hanh suggests, even in dire circumstances, finding a reason for happiness is possible.

Being Realistic involves understanding the limitations of others and setting appropriate expectations. Focus on your internal skills—what can you do to cultivate your resilience now, what will require time, and what may be too challenging at present?

Gratitude Practices empower you to appreciate what you have rather than lament what you lack. Reflect on basic needs—do you have enough food? A secure home? Acknowledging these blessings fosters self-sufficiency and a greater sense of internal control.

Seeking Support is vital. Knowing when to ask for help, and requesting specific assistance, rather than a general complaint, creates empowerment for both parties. Avoid becoming a burden through endless lamentation.

Recognizing That It’s Not Always About You is important. Others’ behaviors often reflect their struggles and limitations. Feeling let down might stem from their inability to meet your needs, not a lack of care. Mindfulness aids in maintaining reserves for such moments, but unexpected challenges can deplete those reserves rapidly. It’s essential to restore balance independently.

These are merely suggestions to help you cultivate your resilience. There are countless other strategies; please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.