Chapter 1: The Power of Words

"Forget you!" My husband exclaimed to a disgruntled man in North Carolina who refused to rent us a room because we were “locals.” Apparently, it's a common policy there to deny rentals to residents, driven by fears of potential damage from homeless individuals. We were unaware of this unspoken rule and, surprisingly, I didn’t realize I might have appeared homeless.

Initially, we suspected that his refusal stemmed from my brown skin and accent—an unfortunate experience we had encountered before in the U.S. However, the moment my husband uttered those words, I recognized the man's face flush red with anger. His reaction was instantaneous, "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?!" His surprise was palpable as he prepared to confront us.

We quickly hopped into our Uber, which was waiting for us, and urged the driver to speed away. Thankfully, we never encountered that man again. Ultimately, he had the upper hand in that situation.

This policy strikes me as bizarre. Denying locals a room because they might be homeless? Quite rude, wouldn't you agree? Ironically, we weren't even locals; we were just visiting a friend in North Carolina. When asked if we were locals, my husband replied, "Yes," and the hotel clerk promptly showed us the exit. It felt surreal.

That incident last year marked my first real encounter with someone becoming genuinely upset over the phrase “Forget you!” How odd is that? It was not a sitcom moment; it was reality. Those two simple words truly carried weight!

Reflecting on that experience, I pondered: How do we become offended? The answer isn't straightforward. I suspect that fluency in Spanish is essential for people to effectively offend us, as certain phrases in foreign languages may not carry the same weight unless delivered with a specific accent.

Cultural nuances dictate what offends us. For instance, "Chinga tu madre" in Mexico is a deeply offensive phrase that translates to "Go and violate your mother." Strongly put, right?

Dr. Chun Tang, a practitioner at Pall Mall Medical, notes that while some words and actions are widely recognized as offensive, the intricacies of feeling offended are more complex than they appear.

According to linguistic research, not everyone reacts to impolite language with offense; rather, people may feel offended for a myriad of reasons. Being offended often arises when our expectations clash with someone's words or actions, leading to negative emotions.

Some individuals have more sensitive dispositions, reacting intensely to various stimuli, whether good or bad. Their emotional responses often exceed those of others, making them more susceptible to feeling offended, as they are attuned to their own feelings and those of others around them.

Dr. Alice Fong, a Naturopathic Doctor at Amour De Soi Wellness, shares, "People's past experiences shape how they interpret the actions and words of others. What might seem innocent to one person could be deeply hurtful to another."

To illustrate, I recall a communication seminar where a man approached me, cheerfully saying, "Ni hao ma," the Chinese greeting. From a neutral perspective, it might seem friendly, but as an Asian-American woman, it struck me as offensive. I simply replied, "Hi," and walked away, carrying the weight of my past experiences with similar interactions.

I recognize Alice's perspective; when someone is targeted because of their appearance, it falls under the realm of racism. For me, phrases like "Buenos días, ¿Cómo está?" feel neutral, while terms like "Señorita" or "guapa" can feel more charged. Understanding the feelings of others is crucial, and offense is often subjective.

What truly offends us? It’s a question I reflect on daily. Should I be offended? Is this genuinely offensive? Was I in the wrong?

In Latin America, we often excel at making others feel offended, yet we also strive to dismiss offense with phrases like “Me resbala” or “No me importa,” meaning "I really don't care." The best way to handle those who aim to offend is often to simply choose not to take offense and move forward.

Lastly, I want to emphasize that most of the time, our words aren't meant to offend. When I advocate against cultural appropriation, it’s out of a desire for mutual respect and harmony. Ultimately, it’s the recipient who chooses to be offended, and that choice isn't on us.

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This video titled "Austin Baker: How to say F-Off, w/out really saying it" delves into the subtle art of expressing offense without direct confrontation, illustrating the complexities of communication in a humorous and relatable manner.