Chapter 1: Understanding Empathy

As I embarked on my journey to major in psychology, I hoped to finally decode the complexities of human interaction. "By studying psychology, I'll grasp the intricacies of communication, eliminate my social blunders, and finally find a way to connect with others," I reassured myself. Social anxiety had built up throughout my teenage years, as if everyone around me had been given a manual on social norms while I was left in the dark. I eagerly opened my Intro to Psychology textbook, thinking, "At last, everything will become clear. I'll study my way to being socially adept."

I suspect many neurodivergent individuals share this experience. For over three decades, I've been analyzing my relationship with empathy, but only recently have I found the right words to articulate it. Since high school, I've often expressed to others, "I can feel when someone is experiencing something, but I'm at a loss as to why." A common scenario for me has been unintentionally upsetting someone, noticing their reaction, and mentally scrambling to comprehend the reasons behind their feelings.

Watching intense or sad movies has always been a struggle for me. Even when I know the events are fictional, I find myself emotionally resonating with the characters' experiences. I was often labeled as "too sensitive" yet simultaneously advised to "be more mindful of my tone." This confusing mix of feedback left me feeling disconnected from my own understanding of empathy.

Numerous theories exist regarding empathy, particularly for those who are neurodivergent. One recent concept that intrigued me is the distinction between cognitive and affective empathy. Researchers define cognitive empathy as the ability to understand others' feelings and intentions intellectually, while affective empathy refers to the emotional resonance we feel in response to others' emotional states.

Historically, discussions about empathy in neurodivergent contexts have predominantly focused on autism. For years, a misconception persisted that autistic individuals lacked empathy due to their struggles with social cues and expressions. This assumption not only proved inaccurate but has also caused significant harm to the understanding of autistic experiences, as many express profound levels of affective empathy, while their challenges with cognitive empathy do not equate to a total absence of it.

This raises a pressing question: How can one be deeply empathetic yet struggle with social nuances? This paradox lies at the heart of neurodivergent empathy.

Through my exploration of empathy, I've come to recognize its enigmatic nature. Why do some of us feel empathy so intensely, while others experience it more intellectually? I've begun to view empathy as a spectrum. There isn't a single "correct" way to experience it; rather, there are diverse methods of connecting with one another—and even with animals.

For me, affective empathy resembles the flickering sparks from a blazing fire. We may catch glimpses of others' emotions, yet we can't fully immerse ourselves in their experiences. The brilliance of their feelings can be overwhelming, and our own emotional boundaries protect us. These fleeting glimpses remind us of our humanity, but crossing into another's emotional experience could lead to emotional burnout.

I experience empathy in a visceral way. In my work providing spiritual guidance and active listening, I often encountered individuals in distress. Their grief, sadness, anxiety, and anger would cling to me like embers. Over time, I developed strategies to release these emotions so I could return to a place of peace. Despite earning a minor in psychology and a major in religious studies, I struggled to grasp the nuances of intellectual empathy.

While others' feelings can consume me with intensity, deciphering their meanings remains a challenge. I visualize intellectual empathy as an intricate coding system—something many acquire naturally throughout their upbringing, while others must learn it through observation in books, films, and social interactions.

For example, in fifth grade, I witnessed my businessman father shake hands with clients and thought it appropriate to do the same on the playground. My interpretation of the situation was flawed, leading to laughter from the other child.

Acknowledging the Gifts of Affective Empathy

Instead of solely focusing on the communication difficulties neurodivergent individuals face with neurotypical peers, it is essential to recognize the unique strengths they bring to the table.

By nature, I am straightforward and find it challenging to be dishonest. While I strive to be kind, I often struggle with the concept of politeness for politeness's sake. Rather than viewing neurodivergent individuals as needing to conform to traditional social norms, we should appreciate how their differences contribute to a more comprehensive understanding of the world.

One time, a person complimented the dress I was wearing, and I enthusiastically responded, "I know!" only to be met with laughter and the suggestion that I should have said thank you. I countered, "Why would I buy a dress I didn't think was great?"

My communication style, rooted in honesty, can make others feel uneasy. Subtlety is not my forte; people always understand where they stand with me. I refuse to engage in mind games.

Being direct can foster a sense of empathy, as it encourages open dialogue and eliminates the need for circumlocution.

Expanding the Definition of Empathy

A deeper understanding of empathy may extend beyond human interactions. One of my autistic friends has a service dog that helps him manage anxiety in public. This dog exhibits remarkable levels of affective empathy, sensing her owner’s anxiety and curling up beside him for comfort. Like us, she may not grasp the meanings of words, but she instinctively responds to emotional cues.

I have oscillated between vegetarianism for much of my adult life, a sentiment many neurodivergent individuals can relate to. My connection to animals runs deep, and it seems that they reciprocate this bond, sharing an unspoken joy in each other’s presence. We might not comprehend one another's thoughts, but we surely feel a mutual connection.

I often ponder whether an increase in individuals with high levels of affective empathy could lead to significant changes in societal attitudes, such as the abolition of factory farming or a more profound respect for the natural world. How might our world transform if we allowed those with heightened affective empathy to shape societal norms and political discussions?

I've stopped striving for perfection in my cognitive empathy. I now embrace my affective empathy and bluntness as strengths. I attract friends who appreciate these qualities, many of whom are also neurodivergent. I have learned to value myself and honor my unique empathetic experiences. If you identify as neurodivergent, do you resonate with my experiences? How would you articulate your relationship with empathy? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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Chapter 2: Insights from the Community

This video features an autistic woman discussing her unique experience with empathy and how it differs within the autism spectrum.

In this video, Louise Taylor explores the concept of neurodiversity and empathy, shedding light on the intricate relationships between different empathetic experiences.