In the realm of dating, many find themselves pondering whether it's more effective to seek romantic connections through friends or to engage with strangers directly. The challenge often lies in the discomfort associated with initiating conversations with unfamiliar individuals, which typically last only a few minutes.

Dear Doctor,

I seek your guidance on how to meet new women. Despite having a large circle of friends, my opportunities to connect with women who meet my criteria—being attractive to me, reciprocating my feelings, and being available for dating—are few and far between. This year, I've yet to go on a single date, and I had only one last year. Given that I reside in a city with over four million inhabitants, this seems rather disheartening.

While I frequently enjoy outings with friends, none of them know women who meet my criteria. They lead relatively quiet lives and are not inclined to meet new people. I’ve also tried engaging in hobbies, like dancing, which typically attract many women. However, participants often leave quickly after class, making it difficult to forge meaningful connections. Despite attending for several months, we’ve only gone out for drinks once.

I find it hard to conceive of other methods to meet women aside from through friends or hobbies, as I am reluctant to engage in cold approaches. Dating apps don’t appeal to me now that lockdowns are a thing of the past, and I believe sticking to the same routine will yield the same results. Thus, a different approach is necessary.

The idea of conversing with strangers is one avenue I’ve considered, but it induces anxiety and stress when I attempt to do so regularly. I tried greeting a stranger daily to initiate conversations, but after about 20 days, the stress overwhelmed me. My friends seem to thrive in relationships formed through warm approaches, making my attempts at cold approaches feel particularly awkward. Typically, my interactions with strangers occur when I need directions or see someone reading an interesting book.

Is approaching strangers, particularly women I find attractive, at social events or bars my only option for meeting potential dates? Should I focus my efforts there? If so, how can I practice this effectively? Would it involve frequenting crowded venues and engaging in conversations as a form of exposure therapy?

Warm Regards, Warm Approacher

While your letter primarily concerns your dating challenges, I must highlight your criteria for potential partners. The dialogue surrounding dating standards is extensive; however, there's a distinction between having overly strict standards and simply seeking connections with individuals who are available and interested. Compatibility and meaningful connections extend beyond mere attraction and availability. Although it may seem daunting to be selective when meeting many people, lowering your standards to merely having someone agree to a date can ultimately be detrimental to both you and your dates.

Now, let’s discuss the merits of cold versus warm approaches in dating. Ideally, a combination of both is beneficial, but each has its own advantages and drawbacks. Generally, people tend to meet partners through warm approaches, such as mutual friends or shared activities. Dating apps, which primarily facilitate cold approaches, gained popularity during the 2020 lockdown. However, few people establish relationships through purely cold approaches at venues like bars or clubs. More often, meaningful connections develop over time rather than through spontaneous encounters. Although exceptions exist, cold approaches are typically the least effective means of meeting potential partners.

This isn’t surprising. The stereotype of cold approaches—meeting someone at a bar and quickly transitioning to romance—often involves persuading a stranger to embark on a romantic or sexual relationship after a brief interaction. Street approaches, or “day game,” tend to be even less effective. One self-identified pickup artist reported a mere 1% success rate in converting street approaches into dates over three years. This figure declines even further when considering the number of street approaches that led to sexual encounters.

Cold approaches have their place, and cultivating the ability to connect with strangers is a valuable skill. Such skills can aid in building a network of friends and acquaintances, particularly when social circles are limited. However, as a general rule, engaging in warm approaches tends to yield better results and more substantial connections.

Specifically regarding your situation, you face two notable challenges. First, your social network appears to be quite insular, consisting solely of friends who are already acquainted. This can limit your chances of meeting new individuals. The pandemic has also contributed to a decline in secondary social connections, further complicating matters.

Second, your primary hobby group lacks a social atmosphere, making it challenging to forge connections. This predicament is understandably frustrating, especially as you attempt to implement effective dating strategies.

The solution, albeit seemingly simplistic, is to expand your social circle by making new friends and joining different groups. While this may sound overly simplistic, many individuals overlook this option and instead resort to less effective methods.

Adjusting your standards can also facilitate more opportunities to socialize and meet potential dates. When asked where to meet women, my answer remains consistent: identify the types of people you would like to connect with and frequent the venues they frequent. This approach is inclusive, focusing on people rather than solely potential romantic interests.

The goal is to find individuals who share your passions and interests. By immersing yourself in these environments, you can leverage both the exposure effect (the more we see something, the more we tend to like it) and the propinquity effect (we build relationships with those we encounter most frequently). Prioritize spaces where social interactions are encouraged, as this fosters opportunities for connection. If participants leave immediately after events, making new friends becomes significantly more challenging.

Having different social circles is perfectly acceptable, as it allows for a broader network of acquaintances. Your current circle does not seem to fulfill your dating needs, so seeking out new social environments is crucial.

Ultimately, if you desire different outcomes in your dating life, you must adopt new strategies. Broaden your horizons and explore new venues where potential friends and partners gather. Even if you don’t meet someone immediately, these efforts may lead to connections that facilitate introductions to potential dates in the future.

Best of luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I often read letters from individuals feeling irreversibly undatable because they lack relationship experience, and I believe sharing my perspective as a woman who has overcome this could be helpful.

Growing up in a conservative religious environment shaped many of my choices, but I also felt like a nerd. I wasn’t unattractive; I just often felt awkward. I didn't go on my first date until college at 18, and my first kiss happened at 20, which I initiated just to get it over with. Throughout my 20s, I only went on five dates and had two brief relationships. I abstained from alcohol and drugs, and while I accepted my bisexuality, I presented myself as straight for simplicity. Despite this, I made friends, built a career, and created lasting memories, but felt like a late bloomer compared to my peers.

That changed in my late 20s when my sexual drive surged. I realized I was holding onto my religious beliefs out of habit, so I moved away from Christianity, enjoyed a margarita, and found a kind man to explore intimacy with shortly after. I understand it might be easier for a woman to find a partner for sexual experiences than for a man, but I initially worried my age would deter interest. That turned out to be unfounded.

Now, at 35, I’m in an open relationship with a partner who also started having sex later in life. We actively participate in our local polyamorous community and enjoy fulfilling sexual experiences. I've made up for lost time and have had many partners, showcasing that a late start doesn't hinder future experiences.

In some ways, I appreciate that my husband and I missed out on early sexual encounters. Many of our peers carry emotional baggage from their youthful experiences that I don’t share.