The Scary Narcissist Is Always Someone Else (But Me)

Many people share grim narratives and horror stories about narcissists and dark empaths.

> "We see things not as they are, but as we are." — Anaïs Nin

I can picture the fear in their eyes as they warn us about these soul-sucking individuals.

There seems to be a collective pattern.

Why do you find yourself speaking about narcissists so frequently?

It almost feels like an obsession.

That’s why I encourage you to reflect on yourself.

For a moment, set aside those "toxic" individuals in your life, stop condemning others, and turn your gaze inward.

Am I the Narcissist? — A Checklist

Be as honest as possible when addressing these questions. Take some quiet time to contemplate these aspects.

If it helps, rate each question on a scale from 1 to 10. I enjoy quantifying everything, even the urgency of needing to use the restroom (it aids others in understanding how desperately I need to go).

Here we go:

#### Sense of Self

• Do you frequently compare yourself to others or feel a strong need to be perceived as superior?
• Is there an underlying belief that you’re inadequate, prompting you to overcompensate?
• Is your self-worth heavily influenced by external validation (praise, likes, success)?
• Do you fantasize about being admired for your unique qualities?

#### Relationships

• Do you yearn for attention and feel frustrated or invisible when you’re not the focus?
• Is it challenging for you to genuinely celebrate the successes of friends or family?
• When someone disagrees with you, do you instinctively defend your perspective instead of considering theirs?
• Do you tend to associate with individuals who enhance your image or reflect positively on you?

#### Responding to Challenges

• Are you quick to take things personally, even when they aren’t meant as an attack?
• Do you find it difficult to acknowledge mistakes or view them as growth opportunities?
• If someone provides constructive criticism, do you feel compelled to justify yourself or shift blame?
• Do you sometimes internally belittle others to feel better about yourself?

#### Things to Consider

• Be truthful with yourself. It's natural to feel defensive when answering these questions. The more honest you are, the greater the potential for self-awareness.
• Context is crucial. Reflect on how often these feelings or behaviors occur and their impact on your relationships.
• Keep in mind that these tendencies exist on a spectrum. Some behaviors may be mild without constituting a full-blown disorder.

This is intended for reflection, not self-diagnosis. If these questions raise concerns, consider seeking therapy to explore further. Therapy is beneficial for everyone, in my view.

Recognizing Your Narcissism

Narcissism isn’t always overt, making it challenging to recognize within ourselves.

Our minds defend against introspection in various ways. Strive to observe yourself without judgment.

Use the following points to contemplate the more subtle signs. Remember, many of us exhibit these traits to varying extents:

• Do you feel a sense of entitlement? This is the belief that you deserve special treatment or that rules don’t apply to you.
• Do you use others to accomplish your goals? Exploiting others without regard for their needs is a sign of narcissism.
• Are you preoccupied with thoughts of power, brilliance, or success? In a subtler form: do you focus on your personal achievements?
• How do you react to criticism? Can you accept feedback or alternative viewpoints? Do you take disagreements personally?
• How do you feel about the achievements of others? Can you genuinely feel happy for them? Are you able to connect with their joy?

How to Overcome Your Narcissistic Tendencies

If you identify some of these traits in yourself, there are ways to address them:

• Foster self-awareness. Honest self-reflection is challenging but vital. Mindfulness techniques or journaling can help you recognize behavioral patterns. Make time for solitude regularly.
• Seek feedback from trusted individuals and consider other perspectives. Ask close friends, family, or even a therapist for their insights. Be open to hearing things you may not want to accept, and choose the right person to avoid conflict.
• Practice empathy. Make a conscious effort to understand others' feelings and needs separate from your own. This is often easier said than done, but the effort is essential.
• Embrace humility. Accept that you don’t always need to be right or the center of attention. Acknowledge and value the contributions of others.

A Word of Caution

You might already be overly critical of yourself.

If so, be careful not to mistake healthy self-respect and ambition for narcissism.

The objective is balance, recognizing that we all lie on a spectrum of narcissistic traits.

As psychoanalyst Erich Fromm noted:

> "Selfishness and self-love, far from being identical, are actually opposites."

True self-love involves authentic self-regard, while narcissism is often a mask for deep-seated insecurity.

Thank you for reading. I’m eager to hear your thoughts on this. Do you think it’s possible you have narcissistic tendencies? Share your views in the comments.

What insights would Carl Jung offer on narcissism if he were alive today? Could he provide guidance on how to address it?

Is it possible that narcissism is less prevalent in certain cultures? If so, can we "cure" a society that fosters it?

My new publication, Basic Narcissism, has just launched. I invite you to contribute your insights.