Fridays are for friends

I initially set out with intention, aiming to build a fulfilling life in this new city, friendships included. However, reality repeatedly reminded me that I needed to recalibrate my expectations. As I tried to embody a more mindful approach, I would adjust my actions to align with the challenges I faced, but I held onto my quest for friendships.

Determined to avoid feeling like a social outcast, I was committed to doing everything necessary.

Two quotes from early in my journey in Amsterdam resonated with me and spurred me to keep trying.

The first came from my friend N., one of my two confidants. I inquired whether it might be acceptable to step back from attending random concerts and dinners, as it felt overwhelming. I mentioned that I had him, my flatmate, and some casual partners. If I distanced myself from these social outings, I could devote more time to my interests like reading and writing. So, if I felt content as I was, why push myself further?

His response was more insightful than I anticipated.

> “Building friendships is like exercising a muscle. If you don’t engage it soon after moving to a new place, it will weaken over time. It may seem tempting to relax now, but you’ll regret not putting in the effort when it becomes more challenging later.”

The second quote shifted my focus from effort to understanding the dynamics of relationships. After a great first date, I was contemplating a second one, and my flatmate chimed in, suggesting I prioritize friendships over romantic pursuits.

I received an invitation from a new acquaintance for a storytelling event on the same night. This made my decision clear; I opted for the new friendship opportunity instead.

> “Fridays are for friends, not for dates.”

These words struck a chord, highlighting my underlying fears of not fitting in.

Introverts have to suck it up

I recognized two important truths: there’s a necessary investment of effort required in friendships, especially when it feels uncomfortable, and there’s an appropriate way to connect with others.

However, what happens if a week filled with social activities leaves you drained, and enjoyable interactions feel hollow? You might begin to identify as an introvert.

This realization can be unsettling, as moving to a new city often reveals this latent aspect of your personality, similar to an unexpected medical diagnosis.

While acknowledging your introverted nature is essential, it’s not a death sentence. You can manage it by practicing mindfulness in social situations. The key lies in discipline and prevention.

Adjusting to this realization can be a challenge, especially if you’ve previously been unaware of it. This is often seen in romantic relationships, where introverts may lean on more extroverted partners. Surrounded by their vibrant social lives, introverts can mistakenly believe they too are socially adept.

Ending a relationship with an extrovert can feel like suddenly losing your safety net, forcing you to confront your social anxiety head-on.

For single people, double effort

Navigating social life as a coupled person involves a different dynamic. You inherently attend your partner's social gatherings, or you invite their friends to your events, often amplifying attendance.

You naturally meet the people your partner knows, allowing you to ride on their social energy. You don’t have to be the center of attention; your partner's charisma helps you blend in.

When fatigue sets in, a friendly glance or comforting touch can provide solace. If you’re not enjoying yourself, you can make a graceful exit and later reflect on the experience with a sense of relief.

In contrast, a single person’s social life often feels like a constant uphill battle, fraught with insecurities.

Put yourself out there

To all introverts and single people—especially those who are both—friendship doesn’t happen by magic. It requires effort and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone.

You must confront your fears of rejection; the truth is, others share these concerns, making them likely to respond positively to your outreach. By inviting others to join you in various activities, you can cultivate connections, whether through comedy nights, group outings, or casual lunches.

> People will come!

However, this may lead to a cycle where you continuously make the effort while others do not reciprocate, leaving you feeling trapped in a social dynamic that feels one-sided.

Putting yourself out there can sometimes exacerbate social anxiety, as it transforms into a form of self-policing that reinforces feelings of isolation.

One brunch stand

You can attend numerous events, yet they often fail to replace the comfort of simply spending quality time with others. Genuine intimacy requires time to develop.

Familiarity breeds affection, which is why apps like Bumble Bff often fall short. I had an experience with someone named Sarah who, despite an enjoyable brunch, ultimately ghosted me. I could have spent that time with someone more fulfilling.

Do old friendships bring you joy?

There was a time when friendships flourished effortlessly due to shared time. Memories of my best friend Marta evoke nostalgia—days spent enjoying simple pleasures.

But as I transitioned into a more competitive environment, I lost touch with those carefree connections. Living abroad, I encounter locals who have maintained their childhood friendships, making me feel a pang of regret.

Every time I hear someone mention long-standing friendships, I reflect on the transience of my connections. While I could easily drift away from old friendships, I also recognize that they may not align with my current self.

> Old friendships can provide comfort, but they often fail to adapt alongside our personal growth. If you pursue your own path, you may outgrow old relationships.

The expat dilemma

Indeed, longstanding friendships may fade, often limited to occasional visits during trips back home. Even in these instances, shared experiences may not resonate, leading to a disconnect.

It’s wiser to focus on new connections, albeit with the understanding that they require time to blossom into true friendships. But for expats, this can be tricky, as the transient nature of our lives complicates deeper connections.

> The most pragmatic approach seems to be finding balance—appreciating the connections you have while remaining open to new interactions, even if they are fleeting.

For many adults relocating to new cities, this is the reality of forming friendships, contrasting starkly with the joyful narratives portrayed in shows like Friends or How I Met Your Mother.

What if you’re still anxious?

Anxiety often stems from a lack of social interactions. You need to strengthen your friendship-building skills.

Make sure your Fridays are designated for friends, push through introverted tendencies, and engage in meaningful exchanges. Acknowledge the differences between your old friends and your current self, and try to maintain a façade of connection.

Get out there, make an effort, and embrace a proactive attitude. Persisting in your social endeavors is beneficial for your mental health.

Now, go forth and forge friendships, even if it feels daunting!

What if you’re still anxious?

Take a moment to assess your feelings. Are you bored, lonely, or perhaps overwhelmed? If you find yourself stressed or drained, consider lightening your load.

Examine your commitments and discern what brings you joy. Instead of seeking external advice, trust your instincts.

Once you identify what doesn’t serve your happiness, disengage from it and observe the effects.

When instead of trying harder, you stop—that’s maturity

I realized that striving to maintain relationships with those who don’t reciprocate was exhausting, so I decided to stop.

I also recognized that forcing myself to socialize when I wasn’t inclined didn’t yield positive results, so I ceased that as well.

Evaluating the stress from shallow interactions against their supposed benefits revealed a significant imbalance.

Just as I wouldn’t wear sunscreen on a cloudy day, I chose not to push for socializing when I wasn't feeling lonely.

Ultimately, I discovered that I wasn't lonely; my social life suited my personality and brought me satisfaction.

If there’s a friendship muscle, it looks different for everyone.

Don’t force yourself into social situations that don’t resonate with you; instead, identify the activities that genuinely nurture your friendships.

Fridays are not exclusively for friends or dates, but for whatever you desire.

Some of my most cherished Friday evenings involve simple activities like cleaning, practicing languages, journaling, hitting the gym, or enjoying a bowl of cereal.

How we relate to others is a matter of personal choice.

There’s no singular “correct” way to cultivate relationships, nor is there a hierarchy. You might have one close friend and several romantic interests, or enjoy shared experiences with your partner. As long as these connections bring you joy, that’s what matters.

Don’t just put yourself out there; be authentically yourself.

Consider my sitcom: How I Met My Best Friend. With N., it started with a quirky joke in the office queue, and he reached out, sensing a connection. With E., our camaraderie blossomed through shared workouts.

In my experience, being unapologetically yourself may limit your encounters, but the people you do meet will feel like true companions.

Do I regret spending a year trying to build a social circle?

Not in the least. My efforts helped clarify my identity and preferences. Consequently, several positive outcomes emerged:

First, I no longer feel lonely in solitude; my chosen alone time is comforting.

Second, I’ve learned to prioritize relationships that truly uplift me, like those with N. and E.

Third, I’ve fostered connections that aren’t traditional friendships, such as those with my language teacher, my boss, the crossfit community, and even a neighbor who now acknowledges me after a year.

Actually, there’s a fourth outcome—I find myself writing more.

So, if you’re out there grappling with friendship, here’s a glimmer of hope: don’t stress too much! You might just find your way after all.